Clean Pregnancy Jokes

Should women have children after 35?
No, 35 children are more than enough.
---
What's the difference between a nine-months-pregnant woman and a model?
Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
---
When choosing a name for your baby, open the back door and shout it out a few times.
---
A couple went to their first prenatal class. The instructor strapped a bag of sand to the husband's stomach so that the husband could get an idea of what it felt like to be pregnant.

As he walked around with his new bulge, the husband said, "This doesn't feel too bad."

Then the instructor deliberately dropped a pen and told him, "Now I want you to pick up that pen as if you were pregnant."

"You want me to do it the way my wife would?" asked the husband.

"Exactly the same," confirmed the instructor.

The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
---
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that they had developed a new machine and asked if the couple would like to try it. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the mother's burden.

They thought that was a good idea, and decided to give it a try. The doctor initially set the machine on 10 percent, telling the man that even 10 percent was probably more pain than he had ever experienced. But the husband was surprised at how little pain he was feeling, and asked the doctor to raise the level.

The doctor increased it to 20 percent, and when the man still felt fine, he raised it to 50 and finally 100 percent.

After it was all over, the man stood up, and stretched a little. Both he and his wife felt fine, and they shortly left the hospital to take the baby home.

It was then that they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.
---
An American man is riding a train in a European country. His seatmate knows some English, and they end up chatting. The seatmate asks if the American has children. The American says no.

"Ah, so sad," says the European. "Your wife, she is impregnable?"

"Well, um, that's not exactly the word," says the American.

"Oh!" interrupts the European. "I mean, she is inconceivable?"

"Um, not quite --" the American begins, only to be interrupted again.

"Oh, no, that isn't right," says the European. "She is, what is it, she is unbearable?"

"Well, actually," answers the American, "that pretty much sums it up."
---
The Lamaze class was full and the instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
 
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
 
The room got really quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
 
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
 
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" [So like my husband! haha]