Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts

Friday, June 19, 2015

More Father's Day Jokes

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”

The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”

The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!”(http://www.bestcleanfunnyjokes.info)

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My husband’s cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears — one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb. When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress. “See, Connor?” he explained, pointing to the photo and then to the bear. “That’s Daddy.”

Connor’s eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a puzzled voice, “You used to be a bear?”

— Submitted by Robin Yedlock (rd.com)

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"I have mixed emotions when I receive my Father's Day gifts. I'm glad my children remember me. I'm disappointed they think I dress like that." ~Mike Dugan

--

 

Click here for more Father's Day jokes!

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

More Clean Pregnancy Jokes

Did you hear about the pregnant woman who went to Egypt on vacation? She came home a mummy.

---

A little boy went up to a pregnant woman and asked, "Why is your tummy so fat?" "There's a baby growing in there," she cheerfully replied. The boy digested the information for a few seconds, then asked, "So, what's growing in your backside?"

---

3 fatal things to say to a pregnant woman:
  1. "I finished the ice cream."
  2. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
  3. "That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
    ---




    It would be funny to actually play this while you're pregnant!

    Monday, November 10, 2014

    Baby Sleep Jokes

    Raise your hand if you're a sleep-deprived parent like me! I have two terrible sleepers, and I nursed and co-slept with both, so I found these funny:







    And for you non-co-sleepers or parents of multiple kids:


    I think the previous cartoon mom agrees with this one:


    Hope you get some sleep tonight!

    Tuesday, July 8, 2014

    Birth Jokes


    ---

    Things Not To Say During Childbirth


    -- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
    -- I hope you're ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
    -- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
    -- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
    -- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.
    -- Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.

     (http://www.sceneonline.biz/group/thelifecenter/page/clean-baby-jokes)

    ---

    ~A guy phones the local hospital and yells, "You’ve gotta send help! My wife’s in labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He replies,"‘No! This is her husband!"

    ~Somewhere in the world a woman gives birth to a child every minute. We have to find this woman and stop her.

    (http://www.manwalksintoajoke.com/birth)

    Saturday, May 31, 2014

    Let "Let It Go" Go!


    This is exactly how I feel about the song! I'm glad the hype has gone down a lot lately. (I originally discovered and wanted to share this weeks ago, when I was still being bombarded on Facebook with YouTube videos of kids singing and on my blog feed with Frozen party ideas, but couldn't get it to post on the iPad.) How do you feel about the song?

    Thursday, March 6, 2014

    "Let It Go" - Mom Parody



    Although I am a little tired of this song, I couldn't resist sharing this cute parody with you!

    Friday, February 14, 2014

    Cheesy Valentine's Day Jokes

    illustration by Robert Proksa
    Q: What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? 
    A: Hogs and kisses!

    Q: Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?
    A: It was a case of guppy love.

    Q: What do you call two birds in love?
    A: Tweethearts!

    Q: What did the paper clip say to the magnet? 
    A: "I find you very attractive."

    Q: What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day? 
    A: A hug and a quiche!

    Q: What did one oar say to the other? 
    A: "Can I interest you in a little row-mance?"

    Q: What do you call a very small valentine? 
    A: A valentiny!

    (source: http://www.jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/valentinesdayjokes/valentinesdayjokes.html)

    ---


    ---


    I told you they were cheesy. I hope you have a Valentine's Day full of love and laughter!

    Saturday, January 4, 2014

    Thursday, December 12, 2013

    Christmas Jokes

    Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
    A: Fleece Navidad!


    Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
    A: Claustrophobic.


    Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
    A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.


    (http://www.ahajokes.com/christmas_jokes.html)
    -- 



    Tuesday, October 22, 2013

    Marriage Jokes

    Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about how well his mother cooked!

    --


    --

    The wife says: You want
    The wife means: You want

    The wife says: We need
    The wife means: I want

    The wife says: It's your decision.
    The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious.

    The wife says: Do what you want.
    The wife means: You'll pay for this later.

    The wife says: We need to talk.
    The wife means: I need to complain.

    The wife says: Sure... go ahead.
    The wife means: I don't want you to.

    The wife says: I'm not upset.
    The wife means: Of course I'm upset, you moron!

    The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights.
    The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

    The wife says: I want new curtains.
    The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

    The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
    The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

    The wife says: Am I fat?
    The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

    The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
    The wife means: Just agree with me.

    The wife says: Are you listening to me?
    The wife means: [Too late, you're doomed.]

    The wife says: Yes
    The wife means: No

    The wife says: No
    The wife means: No

    The wife says: Maybe
    The wife means: No

    The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
    The wife means: You better get used to it.

    The wife says: Was that the baby?
    The wife means: Get out of bed and rock him.


    ahajokes.com

    --
    (the rest are from ajokeaday.com)

    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

    Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

    The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

    The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
    --

    Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

    "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door on his way to the office.

    At 10 a.m., the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

    The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the candy, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never spent a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my whole life!"

    --

    Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. 
    Chad said, “I’ve made one great discovery. I know how to always have the last word.”

    “Wow!’ said Sherman, “how did you manage that?”

    “It’s easy,” replied Chad. “My last word is always ‘Yes, Dear.’”

    Saturday, May 11, 2013

    Mother's Day Jokes

     What the mothers of these famous people would have said:

    MONA LISA'S MOTHER: After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us? HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER:

    HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? No!

    PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew.

    COLUMBUS'S MOTHER: I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You could have written.

    BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: Babe, how many times have I told you: quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week.

    MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?

    NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it.

    CUSTER'S MOTHER: Now, George, remember what I told you: don't go biting off more than you can chew. ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: Again with the stovepipe hat

    ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?

    MARY'S MOTHER: I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.

    BATMAN'S MOTHER: It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?

    GOLDILOCKS'S MOTHER: I've got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?


    »
    LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room there'll be a lot more spiders around here.

    ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something?

    GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance goodbye!

    JONAH'S MOTHER: That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days.

    SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?

    THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!

    http://www.guy-sports.com/months/jokes_small_boys_mother.htm

    Wednesday, February 13, 2013

    Breastfeeding Funnies

    Why did the baby cross the road?
    To nurse on the other side!

    What is a breastfed baby's favorite candy bar?
    Milky Way!

    You should still work out though ;)

    So true! I think I pumped 7 oz. only a couple times.

    Don't even get me started on this one...

    Saturday, January 26, 2013

    You Know You're a Breastfeeding Mom When . . .



    The great Facebook page Breast is Best asked this question and these are my favorite responses:
    • You grope yourself several times a day to see if one breast feels fuller.
    • Someone mentions milk, and the first thing that comes to mind is yours.
    • Getting intimate with your hubby something feels wet, but it's just your breasts leaking all over the place!
    • You press your breasts to prevent leakage from the let down.
    • You have several built-in, guaranteed moments of sitting down to relax and enjoy your squishy! Nobody gets to say, "I'll feed the baby, keep doing whatever horrible task you're doing/talking to whatever grating human being you're interacting with." Nope, you have a real, great excuse to close yourself off from the world whenever you want!
    • You can eat more food than a pregnant woman and your husband put together!
    • Your baby squeals with excitement when you take your shirt off. [All I had to say to Caden was, "Do you want some (dramatic pause) milk?" and he would laugh hysterically in anticipation! So funny!]
    • Your baby gets more excited than your husband at the sight of your breasts.
    • You have to have "the talk" with everyone who comes over to your house: "If you're gonna hang out for more than a couple hours, you're gonna see my breasts." 
    p.s. I didn't have an acrobatic breastfeeding baby (in reference to the photo). Did you? 

    Saturday, June 9, 2012

    Father's Day Jokes

    From rd.com:

    Pop Vs. Pup While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn’t help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, “Now remember — run to Dad first, then the dog.” – Submitted by Karla J. Kasper

    Paternal Payback On the day I received my learner’s permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver’s seat. “Why aren’t you sitting up front on the passenger’s side?” I asked.
    “Kirsten, I’ve been waiting for this ever since you were a little girl,” Dad replied. “Now it’s my turn to sit back here and kick the seat.” – Submitted by Kirsten Wiley

    From fathersdaycelebration.com:

    Letters between son and dad Dear Dad,
    $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
    Love,
    Your $on

    Dear Son,
    I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
    Dad


    From Aha! Jokes (updated by me):

    Fathers Then & Now
    In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.
    Today, it's his car.

    In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
    Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.

    In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
    Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure the video camera is charged.

    In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
    Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.

    In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.
    Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.

    In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.
    Today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.

    In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
    Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed. Pizza in fridge."

    In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.
    Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE."

    In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.
    Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast, and a lecture on cholesterol.

    In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.
    Today, he'll get an iPad.

    In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.
    Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.

    In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.
    Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."

    In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters' suitors with shotguns if the girl came home late.
    Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So, how long have you had that earring?"

    In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.
    Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr. J and Mickey Mantle.

    In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.
    In 2012, fathers are never truly appreciated.

    Saturday, May 12, 2012

    A Mother's Dictionary

    A mother's dictionary would define the following words as such:
    • Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the children would care to order a dessert.
    • Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
    • Full Name: What you call your child when you're angry with him/her.
    • Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
    • Independent: How we want our children to be for as long as they do everything we say.
    • Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into.
    • Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.
    • Whodunit: None of the children who live in your house.
    • Bottle-feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am.

    Wednesday, March 21, 2012

    Mommy Jokes

    It's been a while since I've posted some jokes! Here are my favorites from Will and Guy's Funny Clean Jokes.

    While assembling furniture, Liz asked her friend's six-year-old son, Ricky, to bring her a screwdriver.
    "Do you want a 'Daddy' screwdriver or a 'Mommy' screwdriver?"  Ricky politely inquired.
    Confused by the question, Liz responded with, "Bring me a 'Mommy' screwdriver."
    Ricky returned and handed her a butter knife.
    -----
    Jimmy Johnson forgot his lines in a Sunday school play. Luckily his is mother was in the front row especially to prompt him.
    She gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it did not help. Jimmy's memory was completely blank. Finally, she leaned forward and whispered the cue, "I am the light of the world."
    Jimmy beamed and with great feeling and a loud clear voice announced, "My mother is the light of the world."
    -----
    4 years old - My mommy can do anything.
    8 years old - My mom knows a lot.
    12 years old - My mother doesn't really know quite everything.
    14 years old - Naturally, mother doesn't know that, either.
    16 years old - Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
    18 years old - That old woman? She's way out of date.
    25 years old - Well, she might know a little bit about it.
    35 years old - Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
    45 years old - Wonder what Mom would have thought about it.
    65 years old - Wish I could talk it over with Mom.

    Wednesday, January 4, 2012

    "Mom, Mom, Mom"



    (Not the best quality, but the only one without ads.)

    I've never watched Family Guy, but I've seen this clip. This is so my son right now! He also will say "hi, hi, hi"over and over until I say "hi" back.

    Wednesday, September 14, 2011

    Q&A with the OB/GYN

    Here are some pregnancy FAQs you may find helpful:

    Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers or briefs?
    A: You'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

    Q: Does pregnancy affect a woman's memory?
    A: Most of the ladies I asked don't remember.

    Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
    A: Not if you change the baby's diaper quickly enough.

    Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
    A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

    Q: I'm three months along. When will my baby move?
    A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

    Q: Ever since I got pregnant, my chest, feet, and butt have grown bigger. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
    A: Yes, your bladder.

    Q: The farther along I get, the more strangers smile at me. Why?
    A: Because you're fatter than they are.

    Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
    A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

    Q: How do I know if my baby has dropped?
    A: She will start crying. Be more careful!

    Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
    A: When the kid is in college.

    Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
    A: Yes, pregnancy
    .


    Q: How does one sanitize nipples?
    A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

    Q: What are the terrible twos?
    A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

    Q: What is the grasp reflex?
    A: The reaction of a new father when he sees the new mother's breasts.

    Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
    A: Yes, but it's much easier if she finishes nursing and puts the baby to sleep first.

    from several joke sites

    Tuesday, June 28, 2011

    How Being a Parent Changes Your Life

    When a baby is born into a family, everything changes. However, as you have Baby 2, then Baby 3, the way in which you deal with the child also changes considerably.

    Your Clothing
    1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your pregnancy is confirmed.
    2nd baby: You wear your ordinary clothes for as long as you are able.
    3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your ordinary clothes.

    Baby's Clothing
    1st baby: You wash the clothes before organizing them into color-coordinated folded piles neatly laid out in the baby's specially bought chest of drawers.
    2nd baby: You make sure that the clothes are clean and throw only the ones with the dirtiest marks on them in the wash.
    3rd baby: You are heard to say that boys can wear pink, no problem.

    Babysitters
    1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter you call home 4 times.
    2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
    3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

    Quality Time
    1st baby: You spend a great deal of time every day just gazing lovingly at your baby.
    2nd baby: You spend some of everyday keeping an eye open to ensure that your eldest child isn't squeezing, poking, or hurting the baby.
    3rd baby: You spend some of each day hiding from the children.

    In a nutshell, the first baby is made of glass; the rest are made of rubber!

    (From a joke site.)
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