Marriage Jokes

Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about how well his mother cooked!

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The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision.
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious.

The wife says: Do what you want.
The wife means: You'll pay for this later.

The wife says: We need to talk.
The wife means: I need to complain.

The wife says: Sure... go ahead.
The wife means: I don't want you to.

The wife says: I'm not upset.
The wife means: Of course I'm upset, you moron!

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights.
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, you're doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and rock him.

ahajokes.com

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(the rest are from ajokeaday.com)

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

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Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door on his way to the office.

At 10 a.m., the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the candy, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never spent a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my whole life!"

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Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. 

Chad said, “I’ve made one great discovery. I know how to always have the last word.”

“Wow!’ said Sherman, “how did you manage that?”

“It’s easy,” replied Chad. “My last word is always ‘Yes, Dear.’”