Crying It Out

The number one advice I receive from other mothers is to let my baby cry it out at night. Before I was a mother, I thought it was the norm. I first experienced the situation when babysitting at 13. All the kids were in bed. I had rocked the baby to sleep, but he kept crying once laid in his crib. I didn't want the other kids to wake up, so I held him until the parents returned. The mother told me I should've just let him cry it out.

Now that I am a mother, I think it's the most worthless advice I've ever been given. Here's why:

Note: This discussion on crying it out pertains to sleep training only and not other times babies cry.

1A. It doesn't solve the problem. Babies cry for a reason: they are hot, cold, hungry, tired, uncomfortable, in pain, scared, lonely, etc. Letting them cry it out does not allow you to figure out what the real problem is and fix it. Crying it out is a quick-fix solution, stopping the symptoms but not the cause.
1B. What if there is no problem? Sometimes babies cry because they are cranky or just feel like crying--we've all been there when we were pregnant, remember? Think about those times: what did you want? Maybe you wanted time to yourself or maybe you wanted a hug. Find out which your baby needs. If Baby calms down on his or her own, great. If not, Baby may need some comfort, even if the crying continues (just because your hubby was doing everything right, doesn't mean you stopped crying either!). The American Academy of Pediatrics says, "The best way to handle crying is to respond promptly to your infant whenever she cries during her first few months. You cannot spoil a young baby by giving her attention, and if you answer her calls for help, she’ll cry less overall."

2A. It's detrimental for communication. Babies only know how to communicate through crying. Ignoring them shows that their thoughts and feelings are unimportant or second class to yours. They may lose trust in you or become distant. The AAP says, "By responding to his needs, you increase his trust and attachment to you, thus laying the groundwork for healthy growth throughout his childhood." If crying bothers you, teach your baby other ways to communicate, such as through signing.
2B. Won't that let babies think they can get anything they want? Absolutely not! Communication is about sharing and listening, not about granting wishes. Let us follow the example of the ultimate parent: God. Heavenly Father listens to all our prayers, even if He doesn't answer them right away or in the way we want. He is always there to comfort and help us whenever we need Him. That doesn't mean He takes away our trials, but He does support us through them. Also, remember we are talking about babies, not toddlers. Babies, especially newborns, cry for their needs, not wants.

3A. It's bad for baby. You know what it's like to sob by yourself for hours. It's not good physically or emotionally.
3B. Does that mean you should never let your baby cry? No. The wait time before answering a baby's cry depends on the baby's age and the situation. Use your mother's intuition to decide when it is appropriate to let your baby cry and for how long. But don't allow it to escalate to a meltdown, which only makes both of you feel more frustrated.

4A. It's bad for you. Mothers were built to respond to their babies' cries. When you don't, you're going against your natural instinct. It should bother you (in a worried way) that your baby is crying.
4B.Will that turn you into a doting, overprotective, or "helicopter" mom? Not if you curb that instinct. Always check to ensure your baby is okay. If he or she is, then you can turn off your worried button. But leave your compassion button on, especially if you get annoyed easily. It will keep you from doing or saying anything hurtful to your crying baby.

5A. It sets up bad parenting habits. Crying it out is to get babies to sleep on your schedule and make your life easier. It's about being in control. It doesn't take into consideration the baby's needs and wants. There are no standard sleep habits. Think about adults: everyone needs something different to get good rest. Some need perfect quiet. Some need to read or wind down with TV. Some like lights on, others pitch blackness. Some go to bed early, some late. Some wake up several times at night, others are deep sleepers. Babies are the same. We shouldn't force them to do something that doesn't work for them just because it works for other babies or for us. We need to learn patience!
5B. Won't that allow babies to grow up spoiled? Nope. Parenting is not about power and control. Of course, you are the authority and your children should respect you. But respect is earned by showing respect. Let go of the desire to be in control. If you exercise proper authority--having rules and boundaries-- but show compassion and flexibility, your children will be more likely to obey and do it willingly.

For those with babies who struggle with sleep, I recommend The No Cry Sleep Solution, by Elizabeth Pantley. The sooner you read it the better. I realized that some of Bugaboo's struggles were a result of errors I made when he was a newborn. I did not want him to suffer for my mistakes by letting him cry it out, so I used her methods to break bad habits. It's been a roller coaster ride thanks to teething, moving, family, and sickness, but in the long run, Bugaboo has progressed so much. Before the massive chaos, he was only waking up once per night and going back to sleep easily! No crying involved. Now that's a happy solution for both of us.